Today is Mardi Gras, the culmination of Carnival season, which means it’s your last chance to indulge your most decadent desires before that buzzkill Lent shows up to ruin the party. A true miscreant would have been working on this since early January, but for the rest of you, time’s a’ticking. If you want to make sure you’ve gotten all the debauchery out of your system, you’d better commit ALL the deadly sins before the day is over.
Are you afraid this is too lofty a goal for a high-minded, law-abiding citizen like yourself? Well, fear not. Les Femmes Fatales have prepared this handy guide for you.
Envy: Your friends have romantic plans for Valentine’s weekend, but they don’t include you. You could be envious, which isn’t a bad start, but why not turn the tables by buying tickets to our Saturday night show, Love Me If You Dare. By doing so, you will become the envy of those schmoopy friends and of course, your entire social circle. Spread the sin around. Envy for everyone!
Gluttony: They don’t call it “Fat Tuesday” for nothing. Screw that gluten-free diet, today’s the day to order an appetizer, entrée AND dessert for all three meals. And we have the perfect dessert for you: candy. Not just one kind, but two: Freaky Candy and Candy Applebottom. Freaky or Sweet, these lovely ladies will satisfy your cravings this Saturday night. Why have one dessert when you can have two? Buy your tickets today to get both. It is Fat Tuesday, after all.
Greed: You could continue hoarding candy or you could kick it up a notch. Don’t just buy one ticket to Love Me If You Dare, buy at least five. Or even better – why not buy out the whole house? How awesome would it be to spread out with your closest friends and watch the show in comfort away from the riff-raff? Think of all the personal attention you’ll get, not to mention all the extra alcohol.
Pride: Now that you’ve bought tickets to the most awesome show ever, it’s time to tell the world. Post it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Hell, put it on LinkedIn. Your boss and prospective future employers need to know how freaking cool you are.
Sloth: Okay, so you’ve been through the wringer today. You’ve made all your friends jealous, you’ve pigged out on candy, you’ve swooned over our sexy sirens, now you’re exhausted. It’s okay. Lie on the couch and relax. Put on Netflix. And when you get bored with Making a Murderer, head to our YouTube channel and watch les femmes in action. Prime your pump for Saturday night. But don’t prime it too hard. You need a rest.
Wrath: It’s entirely possible you are angry at this blatant attempt to make you buy tickets to Love Me If You Dare, in which case, our work is done. If not, think for one minute how mad you will be if all your friends go to the show and you don’t. The FOMO struggle is real, y’all. Need I say more?
So there you have it. As of this writing, you have approximately eight more hours (east coast time) until midnight. Get sinning!
Love me if you Dare. At the Triad THIS SATURDAY, 9 PM. Hosted by Jule Brittannia. Featuring: Pandora and Candy Applebottom. Special Guests: Freaky Candy and Vixen Valentine. With: Molly Manhattan, Ruby Mechant, Spicy L’amour, Munroe Lilly, Jack of Hearts, Luna Rapture, Silky Bliss, Shimmy LeCoeur and Hellz Kitten. And more! Don’t miss out!